Sudanese.. Queer?

I grew up feeling like I looked much like the people around me, and as I got older I felt the difference more and more… but I didn’t have the words or the space to understand that difference. Our society draws a single line of what a “normal” life is, and anything more or less than that is counted as strange — or even rejected. As a queer Sudanese woman, that feeling doubled, because I carry two identities: one tied to my roots and culture, and another tied to my heart and desires — and that one doesn’t match people’s expectations or society’s.

Beyond the questions my identity raises, there were my attempts to be a successful, useful person for myself and those around me… For many years I tried on masks and went with the flow. I said the things you’re supposed to say, behaved the way people expected me to — and I still do. But inside I’m suffocated and afraid, living two lives: a life people see, and another in which I am the same person but my inclinations are different. That exhaustion made me understand that making peace with myself is not a luxury — it’s a necessity if I’m to go on.

My journey to self-acceptance hasn’t been easy. It’s full of fear, doubts, and questions: “What will happen if my family finds out? What will my friends say? Do I have to get married and appear ‘normal’ in front of people? And then what?” Amid all that, there’s a voice inside me reminding me that I deserve to live my truth, that I deserve to be loved as I am, and that I deserve to be whole without being split.

Societal pressure shows up in every detail: in everyday remarks, in unsolicited “advice,” in looks that assume they know what’s right for you. Still, I’ve learned that true freedom starts from within. When I accept myself, other people’s words don’t have the same power over me — or at least I hope they don’t.

Acceptance doesn’t mean the road becomes easy or safe, but it gives me the strength to stand, breathe deeply, and carry on. As a queer Sudanese woman, my very existence is an act of resistance, and my love for myself is a declaration that I deserve a full life.