Alternative Families in the Times of Corona
Substitute families started appearing in their most glorious forms in the beginnings of the 80s in the American society, when the queer community started taking steady steps towards its rights and gender and sexual freedoms all together, by then a large portion of the American queer community started coming out and confronting their families and the society, for their unwillingness to keep hiding in the closet, and their inability to endure lying and living in constant fear, and hence appeared the first homes for individuals of this community taking in anyone who was kicked out of his house because of being different.
— Substitute families are a culture that has been circulating from one place to the other until its clear concept reached Egypt today, but surely it existed in the past in one form or another and was used to embrace the individuals, outcast from their families. —
These families usually consist of a father, a mother, or friends, and there is no one general rule when it comes to gender for that person to be considered a father or a mother, it’s just love with no rules or conditions, the only condition is embracing others and constantly supporting them whether psychologically or financially; and with time, substitute families have become a clear evidence to the solidarity and participatory support among us as a queer community. We see substitute families in the circles we talk and tell our stories in, or in homes that bring in all the outcasts and embrace them. We also cannot deny that substitute families were a savior for many from suicide and failure.
Personally, I have gone through challenging times, times when I had no friend and no companion, roaming life looking for nothing but myself, going through lots and lots of hardships, searching for someone who would accept me without asking who or what I am. My substitute family was never a goal of mine, because I believed no one would accept me the way I am. Even when I got honest about it with my heterosexual friends and asked for their help to accept myself, they reacted by hitting and insulting me, and they cut off our communication completely from that day on. And this wasn’t enough, many threats followed, and many warnings if they’d ever see me in the local café they gather at, or the whole neighborhood that I live in. And indeed, I completely deserted that area and the neighborhood that I’ve lived in since my childhood all the way to my second year in college… and I haven’t set foot in that street or café ever again, and I lived in solitude.
I don’t remember my phone ever stopping to ring before that incident, and after it, I waited and waited for someone to come or call me, but months have passed and I hadn’t heard my phone ringing unless if it’s my mother calling me to ask me to get her something. For a whole year, I sat in the café right under my house and none of the workers there has seen anyone with me, until they started to question and started to converse with me, and they weren’t met with anything but a smile and a simple thank you for their kindness. Until I met someone who asked to be in a relationship with me, but due to my fear of getting lost again, I refused, preferring we’d stay friends. I didn’t know then that that was the day I’d met the first member of my substitute family; yes he remained my unfailing friend for seven years, never abandoned me, he was my safe place to lean on and I was his.
He came to me one day and said “I’ll adopt you”, I asked him “What does that mean?”, he answered “I’ll consider you my son”, I responded by saying “No”, he wondered “Why?”… I said “I don’t need someone to be in control of me!”, his response was “I will never control you, I will only reach out to save you if I ever see you drowning, nothing more”. I firmly rejected the idea of becoming someone’s son, especially that the experience of fatherhood in my family wasn’t the best; as if a fear of repeating the past was chasing me… still is.
I met someone else, I loved him, and after a while he deceived me and left me with a wound deeper than the wounds I had already been cursed with. This friend of mine who offered to adopt me, was the one who helped me, saved me from my severe depression, stayed by my side for months, and endured my problems until I was a normal person once again, free of those pains. That day, I discovered that this person deserves to be a member of my family… my substitute family.
I discovered the benefit and importance of the existence of a substitute family, and how this new family helped me surpass the most extreme and hardest of my psychological states and conditions. I wanted to do what this friend has done for me, being a support system for someone else who is suffering from his harsh loneliness… this person had always been cautious in coming out to others, because he was a successful person and known in many circles outside of the queer community. When he knew about my identity he came out to me, and in a while he became my son, I get affected if he is, I sense when he’s in pain or crying, as if he’s really my son; a blood link may be strong, but often it is tied to conditions… but our link, the link I have with my father who supported me, and my link to my son who I support along with his friends, has no rules other than love.
I became who I wanted to be, with no pretention, no fear, no need to ask for help, because I always receive it from my substitute family as soon as they sense I need it, or they receive it as soon as I sense they need it.
— This conditional love, we don’t want it... —
Even when I was trapped in the deepest of my fears, awaiting the bigger society to attack me for merely being different, their existence still made me feel safe. I might live in a world of people who hate my difference, but I will still have my world among my substitute family. Although distances and getting busy in our work life have affected our communication, but my substitute family remains my first haven when I fall or get weak and I will keep mentioning this truth to them, and when any of them falls in a problem I will be with him without him even asking.
And today, in the middle of the crisis the world is going through, they’re going through a crisis of fear from Coronavirus, and I am going through a crisis of missing the presence among my substitute family members.
But in the current situation, in the times of Corona, despite the distance of roads, spaces and residences, our contact hasn’t been cut off. With the continuation of the renewal of the lockdown period, the links of my family haven’t cut me off, our presence on social media platforms and the different means of communication has been a constant support for me in the hardest of times, in my exhaustion or depression. Due to being at home for a long period of time, my psychological condition was collapsing bit by bit, I even wasn’t capable of doing the normal daily things, like working or dealing with others. My haven and motive to get out of my shell was the communication with my substitute family, it was my secure place and the source of my motivation, even if that was through a few minutes spent in a phone or video call. We spend that time reminiscing to many memories that have crossed our paths over the course of years, laugh, and throw some shade, and after this call I find myself instantly better and stronger; even if I’m not the happiest because of my inability to go out to see them, but I gained the ability to fight what I’m going through, once more, because they are here, and get on with my life even if for a certain period of time, under the current conditions.
I will remain grateful to the person that has taken me into this family, because he contributed in building my current character, and has a massive effect on my success in life; without him appearing, I would’ve been sitting in that café, waiting for the waiters to smile or talk for a few seconds, and I’d reply with my usual smile. I would have been any version of myself other than this one, which I consider of the best I have reached in my professional, practical, and personal life. I owe, even my success in my romantic life, to their support, and to the experience of my father/mother who has benefited me without even knowing; so big thanks to him/her.
Substitute families are not a disgrace or a ridiculous thing that our conditions have produced for fun and laughter only, but they’re larger than that, and might actually replace our biological families who care for us only with conditions to love; but love will never be conditional, we adore and care about others with no conditions, and there are no rules but to be supportive at all states and conditions…. Even in a pandemic.
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