Eman

We like people or dislike them as a result of a certain behavior that affects us personally, so if for instance you treat me selfishly your attitude would annoy me… but if it’s something that you prefer, why would this concern me? Why would this be a part of how I evaluate people and my liking of a person would depend on if we think alike or don’t, and I’d consider the latter incorrect or irrational.

When I was in college, in 2003 or 2004 we had this friend who was a homosexual, I didn’t know at first but we got closer and became very close friends… after a while, I knew that his sexual orientation is different. I was a very very conservative person at the time, and to me I didn’t know what human beings there were in the world other than just me, I realized then that there are people who have different interests and desires. It didn’t make much of a difference to me, he’s still the same person, but for other people this was something really bad and horrible, there were people who bullied him because he was gay… I realized then that I always said that I have acceptance for everyone, but I started to understand that this was actually true when I started to meet people who weren’t actually like me. This was the real test for me; do you really accept those who aren’t similar to you? Or are they all just slogans and such? Because there were those other people who I saw saying things, but when it comes to reality, actions and reactions were different. This was my first experience with someone with a different sexual orientation, and we stayed close friends until he left the country, because the situation was very tragic at the time, and he had many other plans that this country wouldn’t accept.

I haven’t met anyone else with a different sexual orientation for a while, until I started my project for psychological treatment, and one of the girls who was being trained there brought one of her friends, someone really really beautiful, and when I spent time with him I sensed that he’s gay, I liked him even more and in a way or another I felt that he’s my son, he started to treat me like I’m his mom as well, and we started to hang out together; if he’s not feeling well he’d pass by and we’d spend some time talking, he calls me after work saying “Wanna hang out?”, and sometimes his friends are there, so I started to get to know the whole group, and it was all queer boys and girls with different preferences… Something that may cross your mind is “Would they accept me?” like the queer community thinks, “Would you accept me or not?” I had the same question in my head. I know this person, he loves me, and we have already built a relationship, but will they accept that I’m a heterosexual and I hang out with them? Especially that I was the only straight one there. I found that they all treat me very normally; they don’t even think about this, I never felt different among them. And I had the feeling “Can we apply this prototype worldwide, please?”… people sitting together not caring what I am or what you are, not only on the scale of sexual orientations, but even in ideological, political, and religious orientations, on all the aspects that people use in one way or another as means of creating barriers between human beings, or they make themselves gods to tell you what you’re supposed to do or not do! To me this was unacceptable by all means… And this became the group I hang out with every day.

A while later, one of the psychologists who work with me in the same place came and told me about someone who wanted to meet me and talk about us providing psychological support services to queer activists, and I said yes happily! So she introduced me to this queer activist and we talked about it. This was the start of me becoming a part of the community itself, before this it was just hanging out with my friends, the gatherings we had, and just crying on each other’s shoulders; but when I met this activist, is when I first knew there are people who actually work in this and who are concerned with it.

I believe that, by nature, since I was a child I was that person who thinks it’s none of her business, I think of how to understand people more to be able to be more considerate of those around me, so we can all be comfortable and happy together; this was to me the bigger goal of any gathering of human beings. Later on in school, I was always a loner, I love everyone, but in the end you’d always find me alone… problems started to happen between Muslims and Christians; when a conflict occurred between them, always one of them spontaneously came to me and told me about it, and said they need someone to share some wisdom in the situation, this was my default system. Some people may say it in a comical way, but “Peace and Love” should never be said mockingly, “Peace and Love” should be the bigger purpose of all humanity, and that’s why I always found purpose in anything that would make me reach that; like people just being together happily, as long as no one steps on another’s foot then I don’t owe you anything, as long as you haven’t trespassed anyone else’s rights then you’ve done nothing wrong from where I stand; this was my view of the world, not only with regards to sexual orientations.

I was raised in a very conservative manner and I remained this way for a long time, but when I was 16 I started to reconsider my thoughts and convictions, this happened when I met this friend of mine who I really loved; I found out we don’t have the same religious beliefs, he was agnostic and I was Muslim at the time, this was a sign to me that I need to go over the idea of inheriting your thoughts and beliefs. This universe will hold me accountable for my diligence, we’re the only creature that has awareness and consciousness on this planet, and if this is what distinguishes me from the rest of the creatures on the planet then I need to use this brain that I have to fulfill my duty. This was the wake-up call, when I was in college, for me to review all the things that I have taken just as they are, I instantly started to read in different religions, I started to find what is common among them, and I found out that the beautiful common things between them are not the things that people focus or follow… people take from each what divides rather than what unites, and this was very painful to me. Right then, I decided to not do anything out of the idea that this is what our ancestors have formed us into, in form nor subject; after being veiled for 17 years, because I was raised in a family that believes hijab is an obligation at a certain age to cover our hair, I took off hijab… I started to break down all of the things that I saw as taboos, I started all over again to explore the world in every direction until I reach my own conviction, not the inherited one. By then, I had broken a lot of things that I was used to, just because I was used to them, and they weren’t authentic in me, but I discovered that of the authentic things in me were “Peace and Love”, if you have acceptance, love, and good morals that make you treat me well, anything else doesn’t matter to me.

I started to mingle with different communities that don’t look alike, I always found in every community the good and the bad according to my criterion, which is “Do you love those around you like you love yourself or not?”, like in the beginning of the film “My Name Is Khan”, when his mother was with him when he was a child and said “There are only good people and bad people”, a person will treat you nicely and another will treat you badly, what are this person’s preferences, I don’t care. I became aware that in every community there were people who had good behaviors and others who had behaviors inconvenient for me; all the communities with no exception. My only criterion of evaluating a person became if he matches my morals and my methods of contact or not. If you’re a person who lives by a beautiful pure heart, an unharmful person, then you’re a person I will cherish greatly; if you live by behaviors dissimilar to that, I will avoid you, I wouldn’t want to be in contact with you.

When I shared Rami Malek’s post, for example, lots of people started attacking that I am supporting something they considered shameful and haram; why don’t we celebrate someone who worked hard and became unique in what he does! People had problems with the character he did; “This is a person who did the role of a gay guy, how can you applaud him?” What they saw is that I was indirectly declaring something, showing that I don’t have a problem with someone being a homosexual; this was a stupid challenge to me.

The real challenge was the members of the queer community itself who bully each other with the excuse that they were bullied from heterosexuals, so they do this to give each other immunity; and I see people just starting to be present in the queer community coming to me with suicidal tendencies and a totally bashed self-confidence, because of the bullying they face everywhere. I should be considerate to others’ feelings and consider that most of them are already rejected in their homes… I start entering the queer community and I find you feasting on my flaws and breaking my wings, and making fun of my appearance, color, attitude, and preferences. I can’t say this is a general rule, but when I see this happening, and people allying to defend the concept of bullying, it’s a cultural shock to me; haven’t you learned anything? Your experience and situation haven’t pointed out that we shouldn’t do this to each other? And since this is hurtful to you coming from the heterosexual communities, now you’re puffing this harm on each other, and you insult each other to an indescribable degree. When I find you doing to people what you hated being done to you, it’s a very big question mark.

I haven’t faced a problem in being a therapist with the queer community, at first and last psychology works on you as a human being in all forms of problems, mental disorders, and post-traumatic stress disorders. There is one thing that is apparent in and out of the queer community, but more within it; people encourage each other to play the role of the victim not to solve, so they disrupt my treatment plan; the group surrounding you outside don’t want you to get better in a way or another, so they make a combo together and start assuring incorrect ideas. Sometime I want to separate forces during the period of treatment, that there are certain people that we want to keep away from each other in order to get better more quickly.

When I was talking to my parents about different sexual orientations I imagined they would be shocked, but they started telling me about their friends long ago in college, when that girl loved that guy and there was this very famous love story; I found out that although my parents are a conservative family, they don’t have this bit of rejecting those who are not like us. People who aren’t homophobic, when they dealt with me, they started feeling comfortable showing it, because I showed it since I don’t like to do anything in the dark; so this can directly or indirectly encourage people to be more peaceful with the queer community, and see that there’s nothing for them to fear or hide.

Human beings are the most complex creatures on the planet, so it’s plain injustice if someone measures another on the mere basis of their sexual orientation, because a person is not just his sexual orientation. I am a person who has a job and a life, has feelings, values, concepts, and ideas, has humane, philosophical, and political orientations, and a sexual orientation. Everyone is like that, everyone has many dimensions, so to have the uptight way of seeing someone gay as only gay, is narrow mindedness. Evaluating a human being has nothing to do with his sexuality; it has to do with his morals and behaviors. I wish we just stop making ourselves gods to condemn each other. I believe the cure of the world is love; love each other regardless of the differences, avoid anyone with behaviors you don’t like but don’t hurt him… the world needs us to love each other more than this.

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