Hanan

Will he stay this way his whole life? And this meant to me at the time, as much as I understood, that he might become a prostitute! If he will be treated, how much time will the treatment take? What should I do to help him?... The first time my son talked to me I didn’t understand anything at all about this, I was terrified and couldn’t comprehend how big the problem is, there were many questions clouding my mind…

Then I felt his pain and sadness, and with time I started to understand him more. I was sad for his sadness and in pain for his pain; I used to cry day and night, even my colleagues at word noticed that on me. The whole thing was very difficult for us all, not to mention the problems we got into; he was always unhappy. I started then to use the internet and read, yes not all the information were right but actually mostly wrong, but I knew more about it and I became in suffering and weariness afterwards, didn’t reject him, but in pain for him. I started to listen to him when he spoke about things I never heard about before, although I was in refusal at first. With time, I found out that it has nothing to do with ill upbringing or ill behavior, I know my son and I have raised well, and at last I understood, and when I understood I started to see him in his truth, right then I was able to see how beautiful my son is and how much I love him.

I went through a lot of weariness and sadness and I always tried to embrace him, his dad too and his siblings as well, but it wasn’t okay for all of us for someone in the family to be a fag! Specifically his older brother. I suffered a lot because of their conflicts and fights, and I never liked seeing such disputes between my two sons that I have raised and love. Familial issues are hard and very complicated, it’s not easy to understand my life and the suffering I have gone through with my son via mere words. Also my immature relationship with God was a barrier, I thought he didn’t accept my son with these preferences of his, and that all the time he was doing something wrong, because it’s part of him, as if he was born to be mistaken.

After a while we overcame all of that, God has interfered in our life and we saw things and understood matters that we couldn’t see nor understand. After we had gotten through that, my son always said to me “Love is bigger than our sins”, he believed that our love for each other is what kept us held together despite what had happened, and I believe in that very much; my love for my son was much larger than any problems or differences. God has played a huge role in my family and my family’s life at that time and until today, God’s love for us that we have seen and experienced was a big reason for us to be able to love each other, understand each other, and even forgive each other. God has helped me to be capable of loving my son as he is, he helped me to know that this is not his fault. It’s not easy accepting your son if you knew he’s a homosexual… but it’s always easy to love him.

I was very upset from my husband and blamed him as if he was the reason, as I understood at the beginning. His dad is very tender and very sympathetic, I was blaming him for everything that wasn’t in him, because the doctor said that my son being a homosexual is the result of the father’s cruelty and I read that the father is the reason, there weren’t problems between me and my husband at all before this, but there started to be problems between us, but in reality he’s very forgiving and kind; this was the thing that saddened me the most on top of my son’s sadness and pain…

It’s not easy to share something like this with my colleagues at work, there are lots of people who don’t understand it, because the media has spoken about it a lot; when the subject was in discussion at work, I’d always say that if someone has a person like this in their lives he should accept, support, and love him. But when it comes to my family and siblings, my brother knows and accepts it, also my sister who lives abroad knew and was understanding.

I used to be scared for him from this bizarre and unknown community, I used to get worried when he told me he’s meeting new people and is hanging out with them… but when I meet his friends and get to know about their problems and relationships with their parents, I always feel very bad for them, and I always felt I want to hug them, as if I’m apologizing on behalf of their parents. One day I was in the same place as these parents and I didn’t understand, rejection and ignorance formed a barrier between me and my son, and being able to understand him and appreciate his feelings. But now I understand how the parents feel, and I also understand the feeling of anyone in my son’s shoes…

This experience had many positive effects on my life, as my relationship with my homosexual son, my two other children, and even my husband, have become much deeper than it was, we all went through pain and this pain has changed all of us. Not only my relationship with my family was affected, but also my spiritual relationship with God has become deeper and more mature. I have seen God’s hand clearly in my life within this crisis.

In the end, I would say one thing to people; always put your children, friends, siblings, and loved ones first, before anything and anyone. Listen to them and understand them, give them a chance to show you the side they are hiding from you. Believe me, you will be amazed… only then will you be able to see how beautiful and special they are between all of the complexity and oddity. Remember that you can love your son or daughter no matter what happens and no matter how different they are from you, your love for them is the thing that can really protect and safeguard them the most.

More Stories